Pandemic flu, virus outbreaks, the end of the world. These are things that a cynic laughs in the face of… but an infosec cynic only raises an eyebrow.

If working in Infosec, which is an industry built on the solid foundations of PC viruses, has taught me anything. Its how to survive a pandemic. I look forward to dying from swine flu, just like I died from bird flu in 2006 and SARS in 2003. In the same way my PC exploded during Y2K, or how Nimda, Code red or confickr caused it to self-explode.

Lucky for you, I know how viruses work, I know how to combat them and the symptoms to look out for. My top tips are shared with you below, so that I don’t end up living my own version of ‘I am Legend’.

1. Identify the delivery system
PC viruses / malware / trojans / worms etc etc (I’ll be using the terms interchangeably) need a delivery system in order to infect your PC. This can be via email, or by tricking you to download software or via a CD. There are many other ways, but essentially, you need to be careful as to what you allow to run on your PC and which emails you open. Even if an email is from your Mum, you never know it could contain a virus!

Human viruses operate in much the same way. The virus operators have traditionally used animals as a delivery system. Rats, birds, monkeys and now pigs are infected and then sent to spread the germs. Once humans have contracted the virus, they hop from person to person.

The important thing is, set up an electric perimeter around your house to kill any land based animals and sit on your rooftop with an airgun to shoot down any birds. Don’t interact with the general public and you’ll be fine. In IT terms this is called maintainining a secure perimeter.

2. Vendor patches
Software developers always rush out software which is insecure and vulnerable to being infected. They rely on their systems being infected and then developing a patch or fix in order to close that vulnerability. This process is repeated indefinitely.

Humans are much the same, vulnerable to infections and illnesses. Pharmaceutical companies play the role of releasing fixes here. There is always someone at work slaving for a cure, because at least one biology professor or random geneticist will have enough physical fitness and demolitions prowess to withstand even the most harried and frenetic of post-virus calamities. In the event that a cure is finally discovered, it is guaranteed to be instantly effective at curing even the most virulently sick person in your ragtag band of racially, ethnically, and sociologically mixed survivors.

3. Viruses kill
Unlike what hollywood would have you believe. When you get a severe virus, you either get very sick and eventually recover… or die. You don’t get some cool abilities or turn into a crazy, violent killer who only feasts on human flesh.

Just think about it, has your old PC caught a virus and suddenly become super efficient, outperforming the most advanced super-computers? Didn’t think so.

4. Firefox is safer than IE
One of the reasons that Mozilla Firefox has gained popularity over time is that Internet Explorer simply has too many vulnerabilities that crop up every day. Although internet explorer still holds the majority of the market, it doesn’t make it any better. So when a badass virus hits and wipes out their internet connectivity, only the Mozilla browser users still maintain access to their twitter accounts.

Its unknown how, but human viruses have a similar ’selection’ process. Majority of people will be wiped out, but a band of survivors will remain. One of these survivors will have a dog, and one will be a child. The group will reflect an ethnically and racially diverse cross-section of society. Under normal circumstances, everyone would hate and/or fear one another. However, in the event of a world-ending virus, everyone will band together and push past their minor differences for the survival of the human race. Black or white, rich or poor, young or old… everyone will get along, there will be at least three or four man-hugs between former rivals, and the hard times will forge lasting friendships.

Nothing brings people together like mass murder!

5. There will always be a perfect hiding spot
Maybe it’s a mall that is locked up for the night. Maybe it’s a well-fortified gun store. Maybe it’s a bomb shelter. Maybe it’s a secluded farmhouse. Wherever you and your fellow survivors gather, you will find everything you need.  The canned goods will be plentiful. There will somehow be fresh water. There will be plenty of things to barricade yourselves into your hidey-hole with, and even an indestructible old pick-up truck that will be needed to escape. There will be a wealth of clothes that just happen to fit every member of your group perfectly, no matter how tall, small, or fat they might be. There will be toys for the children. Your group will definitely be lulled into a false sense of security.

In computer terms though, it equates to disconnecting from the internet.

6. Heroic sacrifices
Sometimes a virus completely ravages your PC and there’s nothing you can do but reformat the entire hard disk. Sure, you lose the entire gallery of pictures you accumulated over time. You lose all those films you downloaded. Just when all the settings were perfect, you have to go through the process again. It’s a sacrifice you have to make.

In the same way, there’s no shame in sectioning off Mexico from the rest of the world.

7. The new PC post-virus will be a utopia
Once you’ve bitten the bullet and completely reinstalled your operating system you’ll discover how great your PC is. It will start up in under 10 minutes and shut down even quicker. A simple mouse click won’t cause the CPU to almost explode. You’ll realise how much of a good thing the virus really was and won’t even miss your lost pictures, movies or illegal software.

In the same way, after the virus passes everyone will be dead except for you, your friends, and a random hot girl who magically survived the end of the world. Time to play Adam and Eve, and the world’s your garden! Somehow, the events of the plague have managed to end global warming, deforestation, acid rain, urban blight, suburban sprawl, hunger, drought, and all the other problems the world suffered from in the days before the outbreak. You and your new friends set up shop in a charming country village, turn on the water and power, and the virus is instantly a thing of the past.
As it turns out, the inevitable swine flu-based apocalypse will end up being a net good for the world at large. While the millions of casualties will undoubtedly be disappointed by the fact that, you know, they end up dead, the survivors will inherit a wonderland. After all, the flu epidemic of 1918 ended war and famine forever. Err, maybe not…

This is the Infosec Cynic, blogging from my home which has been stocked with water, food, and guns for the eventual swine flu rioting. Remember, those who prepare steal the best TVs!